Surprisingly, she says, people are more honest there. Ellen has dabbled in online dating for almost two decades. And for a few years, I had profiles on Match and J-Date up at the same time.” Ellen's voice is warm and inviting. But as anyone who has spent more than five minutes in the dating scene knows, finding a true partner can be like searching for Waldo (as in “Where’s? And Waldo, Ellen says, was not on any of the dating sites she signed up for.
“I started online dating shortly after I got divorced in 1998,” Ellen, a psychiatrist, told me when I contacted her — through Craigslist, of course — to inquire about her ad. A stand-up comedian by night, she has a great sense of humor. “I learned to ask a lot of questions,” she told me when I asked what she had learned from her experiences.
She’s, by her own definition, a DWJF — divorced, white, Jewish female — and she’s looking for romance.
So why, Ellen, would you take your quest to the land of apartment scams and Ikea dressers?
A friend and confidante, a partner in crime, a co-pilot in secret explorations. "Favorite Books" featured a lot of Haruki Murakami and Stieg Larsson, with maybe some Augusten Burroughs thrown in to suggest the liveliness of the author's Saturday nights, and then something Tibetan to reassure you they weren't a complete alkie. "Celebrity I Most Resemble" elicited a lot of Maggie Gyllenhaals, closely followed by "moi." "If You Could Be Anywhere Right Now," on the other hand, was an opportunity to kick free of the Gradgrindian exactitude demanded of you by the preceding questions and make good on your profile's nascent kinship with the headiest flourishes of Gabriel Garcia Marquez. To judge by their personals, a date with your average New Yorker consisted largely of trying to keep up with some pith-helmeted Maggie-Gyllenhaal lookalike, laughing madly to herself as she leapt like a mountain goat from rocky outcrop to cupcake shop, pausing only to have sex in the nearest alleyway before dusting herself down and leaping back into the madcap three-ring circus that was her life, her quest for her own zest-filled quiddity undimmed. The girl's ad was a self-fulfilling prophecy: She had written the one thing that ensured she would get responses from assholes.
about it was exhausting, let alone actually traipsing around after these human lightning bolts, picking up cupcake wrappers and berry cartons, explaining to anyone who will listen, "she's actually very grounded … I'd almost written to Nolita657 to point all this out, but something had stopped me—a sudden weary premonition that I would simply be slotting into place behind the last guy, picking up the argument where he left off.
Most of what I wrote about myself in the Nerve personals was untrue.
I won't say that what I wrote was "lies" because that's a little harsh and if I've learned one thing from my time with online personals it's that although truth be told, I've never really understood that expression. Online dating is one of those things nobody wants to admit to a natural proclivity for, or being an old hand at—like being an old hand at urine samples—and yet they are very much a form unto themselves, a species of fiction, really, wherein wannabe Romeos dash off lightly fictionalized, Gatsbyesque versions of themselves in a tone halfway between come-hither foxiness and plangent entreaty, as if forever posed in some doorway, blowing smoke rings and delivering unrehearsed zingers, before disappearing into the night to work in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter.
I guess you need one when you can't slide in a selfie of you with your dog or your friend's cute baby.) The truth is, personal ads like this weren't all that uncommon in those days — in fact, some of the earliest known personal ads of "human seeking other human (and hopefully offering some prime buckwheat)" date back to 1695, and at first were placed primarily by men. More to the point: I wanted to attract a man who appreciated subtlety.4. Props that make you feel soulful, frisky and fascinating help you make those claims for yourself in your ad.2. Post a terrific photo of yourself if you're using an Internet dating service. " My husband says he was attracted to the soft sell of the description and the quirky confidence of the assertion. Instead of saying you're funny or well-educated or caring, demonstrate that. I think that road trips can be a transcendental experience, if unplanned. The only place anyone really seemed to tell the truth was in the "What I Am Looking For" section, which was supposed to be the place where you outlined your ideal mate but more often turned into the place to rag on your last boyfriend.When I say "let's pack our bags and move to a farmhouse in Tuscany" I want someone who will reach for the closet and start packing. The key, it seemed to me upon first entering this strange alternative universe of spontaneous road-trips and brightly colored pasta, where coy exteriors belied deep reserves of untapped silliness and nobody is ever allowed to plan for anything, ever, seemed to lie in those all-important conjunctions "yet," and "but." Thus armed, the author could advance an admirable trait (groundedness), then, spotting the possible negative connotations of that trait (dullness), pivot onto its opposite (fanciful), in an act of triangulation that would bring tears to the eyes of Bill Clinton himself, then launch into a series of Whitmanesque paradoxes: Everyone seemed to be "easygoing" and "down-to-earth" and liked to "laugh a lot," mostly at themselves. It was basically the elephant's graveyard of the whole site, the place your last relationship went to die, amid a rattle of old peeves and niggles. Reading that, I leapt back from the screen as if stung. No man self-identifies as an asshole and the ones that do are precisely the sort who would respond to a dog-whistle like that."Like something was wrong with you if you had to take that path to get a date." But along with the advent of online dating, and the dozens and dozens of sites created to make finding companionship easy, she figured out the cold, hard, truth: any site can promise to make you a match, but paying .99 a month to find love doesn’t necessarily mean love will find you.